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What Paris Hilton should have said on Larry King Live
By Jeff | June 28, 2007
Last night Paris Hilton gave her first interview since being freed from jail on Larry King Live. The following blog is what I think she should have answered if she was being truthful. The actual transcript can be seen here. Some items omitted for time and space and for my own sanity.
KING: … mainly, though, why do any interview? Why come out and talk?
- Because I’m so hot
KING: What have the last two days been like?
- it’s like how it’s gonna be when all those people that will be able to get their new iPhones on Friday… yeah, that good!
KING: What do you think it is about you, Paris, that everybody follows you around?
- I think they think I’m going to show my breasts again
KING: So you have now become used to the fact that you have no privacy?
- yeah, when you make a sex tape and let everyone see me do what I did… privacy is no longer a priority
KING: How well were you treated?
- okay, but ‘Big Momma’ was a little rough
KING: You were in a confinement 23 hours a day?
- yeah, but the other 3 hours were fun
KING: Describe it. What’s in the cell?
- Did you not see the pictures? A bunk bed, sink, and a toilet. I thought I was living in Arkansas.
KING: What do you do with the hour you get out?
- I thought it was 3… anyway, conjugal visits
KING: Did anybody try to come that you said no?
- I’m not a total slut
KING: What did you eat?
- jail food
KING: Horrible?
- yes
KING: What is jail food?
- food served in a jail
KING: Would they shove it under the door?
- it was through a hole in the door… don’t you watch tv?
KING: A covered hole?
- excuse me, what did you call me
KING: What did you eat for dinner?
- left overs and public school food
KING: Did you have to wear special clothes?
- no, but i’m thinking of desigining my own line of jail outfits
KING: I know you wrote some notes and we’re going to hear from them in a while. Did you get to talk to other inmates?
- yeah, but they made me yell out there names… they were like ‘What’s my name? Say my name bitch!’ Apparently I’m a lot of people’s bitch.
KING: Do you think it changed you?
- I was already leaning towards that kind of lifestyle… I mean, there’s nothing wrong with that
KING: Was there a couple of days — when — did it happen in quickly or did it happen over a period of time or?
- well, when you are with a lot of hot girls all the time like I am… it just sort of happens
KING: Did you read a lot?
- yes
KING: No kidding?
- yes, I can read
KING: Any critical letters?
- sometimes I get my p’s and q’s mixed up
KING: OK, during this time, Paris, what was your — what were you afraid of?
- Big Momma
KING: Did you have emotional visits?
- no, just conjugal visits
KING: You think you got a raw deal? Do you?
- Hell yeah! I’m Paris Hilton. I’m the Heiress and I’m hot.
KING: What’s the terms of probation? What can you do and can’t do?
- Well, apparently I can’t drink and drive
KING: Now what — the other day, Sheriff Baca, in fact yesterday, testified before the L.A. City Council when he released you from — he released you, because you had an illness that he was very concerned about. And everyone was wondering what that was. What was it?
- I throw a real mean temper tantrum
KING: What was this like for you?
- kinda like that time when Daddy said I couldn’t have a new car
KING: How did you deal with the first night?
- I cried and screamed and pouted and cried and screamed and pouted… rinse and repeat
KING: Do you think the judge was unkind?
- yes, that a-hole!
KING: What do you think of your problems, Paris? Do you bring — did you bring on in your life yourself? I mean, you don’t blame your parents, do you?
- Only when I don’t get what I want
KING: How about friends that weren’t right friends for you? Have you gotten rid of them?
- Yeah, they are so 10 minutes ago
KING: You want to name them?
- mainly those bitches named Nicole, Britney, and Lindsay
KING: You kept a daily journal?
- yeah, I thought it would make a good children’s book
KING: You want to get married?
- of course
KING: What don’t you like about Paris Hilton? What’s a personality trait Paris Hilton would change?
- the fact that I’m not a real celebrity
KING: Are you jealous?
- yes
KING: Quick to anger?
- yes
KING: Easy to get along with?
- oh, hell no
KING: Good friend?
- if you do what I want
KING: Have you ever been addicted to drugs?
- define addicted
KING: Taken drugs.
- no
KING: Never taken drugs?
- well, never is a long time…
KING: Do you know that the organization MADD has had a tough time with you, Mothers Against Drunk Driving?
- stupid whiny bitches
KING: Feeling that you’ve set a kind of bad example. What are your feelings toward them? Do you plan to work with them?
- let me check my schedule… um, no.
KING: Do you have a drinking problem?
- I’ve never had a problem getting a drink
KING: But the stories about you being — use of a drugs, and the like, parties. Wild scenes, all wrong.
- I wouldn’t say all wrong
KING: Did you hang around with people who did those things?
- of course, those were good times… good times
KING: Were — did people photograph you with people who did those things?
- all the time… I love posing
KING: Why didn’t you put a stop to this earlier? In other words, if you would read stuff, why didn’t you take an outlet to go on and say I don’t — I never use drugs? I don’t drink?
- because that would be lying
KING: Have you ever had psychiatric care?
- I’m not Britney crazy
KING: … If perception is reality, the perception of you was party girl, right? You’re saying that’s not true? What part of it was true?
- the party and the girl part
KING: Which leads to the e-mail question from Celia in Miramar, Florida: “What’s the biggest misconception about you?”
- that I’m an actual celebrity
KING: Is it all their fault or how did you let that happen?
- I put out a sex tape so people would see that I am indeed talented and wouldn’t realize that my body is not all that great
KING: All right. Let’s discuss a few of your — Nicole Richie, how’s she doing?
- she’s jacked up
KING: She’s going to go to jail?
- that bitch better go
KING: What did she tell you about what happened to her?
- I don’t remember… I was too busy complaining about my situation
KING: Britney Spears. What about her?
- Oh, she’s a crazy bitch
KING: Did she talk to you about that?
- She doesn’t need to… have you seen her lately?
KING: Did you have too much, too soon?
- How can you have too much?
KING: You consider yourself normal?
- I’m too hot to be considered normal
KING: You like the paparazzi?
- only if they take good pictures, otherwise, they are like annoying little cockroaches
KING: What do you make of Lindsay Lohan?
- skank ho
KING: Do you know her well?
- well, not like that
KING: Genuine talent?
- ha ha ha ha ha… oh wait, that was a serious question?
KING: Do you visit people in rehab or any of your friends?
- oh hell no
KING: Are you a religious person?
- um, did you see my sex tape?
KING: Did you read the Bible in jail?
- I tried
KING: What were you thinking?
- didn’t realize there were so many big words and so many pages
KING: Did you think, Paris, that you didn’t deserve to be there?
- of course not, I’m Paris Hilton bitch. (editor’s note: spoken like Rick James from The Dave Chappelle Show)
KING: An embarrassing — were you strip-searched? Do they do that in jail?
- yes, all the time
KING: What was that like?
- an average Saturday night
KING: So it’s a woman police officer and you in a room?
- you just gotta hope they’re attractive
KING: Is it as gross as we might think it is?
- probably for you… but, uh, I’m Paris Hilton and I’m so hot
KING: Do you understand why they do it?
- who cares, I just wish they wouldn’t stop so soon
KING: What will we see? Will we see less Paris Hilton, more Paris Hilton in a different way? Give us what the public will see of the new Paris Hilton, starting June 28th, 2007?
- Good luck on the less Paris part. I’ve got an appointment with my hair stylist and nail person. Other than that, it’s going to be more Paris, all of the time. I’m taking over the world with my hotness.
Topics: Larry King, Paris Hilton, interview spoof |
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