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The Toilet Paper Chronicles
By Jeff | January 22, 2008
- ThinkBox P.I. Investigates
- Assignment: Folding vs. Wadding
- Case ID: TP Etiquette
- Case Closed
This investigative report was brought on by a special request from one of my favorite co-workers. As it so happens, her legal name could also double as her “entertainment” name if she ever decided to delve into the porn industry - which is another reason that ThinkBox P.I. is on the case. Her name is Becca Starr (Miss Starr if you’re nasty - that’s a Janet Jackson reference for you younger kids by the way). But I digress.
Through the efforts of Becca Starr and her fellow co-conspirator, they determined that men are more likely to fold toilet paper during the, uh, “cleaning process†and women are more likely to wad their toilet paper. Interesting. I don’t know the full extent of their research, but I do know that somehow the shame gene is not present in their bodies. They asked co-workers, janitors at work, and whoever they could come in contact with. It turns out a high percentage of the men they asked folded while most of the women wadded it up. Go figure.
Actually, the more interesting thing would be to get the story behind this endeavor. I mean, what in the world caused these two ladies to conduct this poll to begin with? Better yet, why did they feel the need to extend the poll to those they have never met, including: co-workers, building janitors, and a guy at a fireworks stand? Although rumor has it, they did end up getting an additional discount from said fireworks stand (but apparently the wife of the discount giver was none too happy about it). I guess she thought her husband wanted some extra “footage” of Becca Starr. Nice!
Anyway, I’m a wadder not a folder. I think it boils down to your personal preferences more than your sex, but I have no data to back that up. On the other hand, through the efforts of my investigation, I made an interesting discovery regarding toilet paper usage efficiency. After several trials, I discovered that in order to maximize my toilet paper roll’s full potential I could utilize four sheets per “cleaning”. Yes, four sheets; however, I only recommend this tactic if you take advantage of the 2-ply product. My roll has 352 sheets per roll. That’s an amazing 88 wipes per roll. Frugality at its finest.
Using only four sheets allows me adequate hand and finger coverage and enough paper to get the job done. Using any more than that becomes wastefully arrogant. Maybe Donald Trump can afford ten or more sheets per use; I on the other hand, cannot. Using three or less sheets? Well, that was just a little too close for my comfort. However, I bet if you have small hands, you might be able to further maximize your efforts with three sheets per “cleaning”. That’s up to you and your “comfort” level.
Regardless of whether you chose to wad it up or fold it over, ultimately, the world just wants to request that you make sure you WASH YOUR HANDS afterwards. Thanks for doing your part in making the world a better (and “cleanlier”) place.
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Topics: investigation spoofs, thinkbox pi investigates, toilet paper |
January 22nd, 2008 at 8:41 am
First of all, four sheets is absurd…nothing less than six will do. Secondly, many studies by famous and non-famous people have confirmed that the higher the intelligence of the wipee, the more organized the wiping tool. Therefore, the smarter a person, the more intricate the fold (yes, I said fold) of the paper used.
I like to form origami with my tissue.
January 22nd, 2008 at 10:54 am
I had this exact discussion in high school years ago w/ my friend Amanda. In our study we found that there is; in fact, a third way to dispense toilet paper. We found several people who rolled it around their hands! We were both disgusted by this.. It can’t be easy to slide it off of your hand after you wipe!!
January 22nd, 2008 at 11:37 am
That’s gross, Julie! Almost as gross as the pictures of Jeff above.
January 22nd, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Well, since I’m a wadder, not a folder, 4 sheets got it done. However, I could see folding might take more. But I bet 5 sheets would give you maximum wipes per roll. You are just a wasteful person. 6 sheets!
January 22nd, 2008 at 12:45 pm
There are some things a man (person) just shouldn’t compromise on…one of them is toilet tissue. Use what you gotta use, man! Get the job done! You’ll be a happier person in the end…get it…end…
January 22nd, 2008 at 3:30 pm
True that. And that’s not a bad pun by the way.
I’m just saying that if you can increase your wiping production levels, you can decrease your trips to the store, thus, decreasing the amount of time wasted and money spent on gas. It’s a win, win, win situation in the end… see what I did right there (does that make me a copy cat?).
January 22nd, 2008 at 3:48 pm
You have a point (and here comes the butt…er…but), but no one should concern themselves with wasted time and money spent on gas when it comes to personal hygiene…unless you want to become the butt of the joke (I did it again) when you’re with your friends. Cleanliness of the most low is next to Godliness of the Most High.
January 22nd, 2008 at 5:29 pm
If gas does not concern you, then by all means use 6 sheets. (hmmm, not sure if that gas reference works like the others) I am merely offering a suggestion from what my extensive investigation discovered in the matter of toilet paper usage efficiency. LOL
January 22nd, 2008 at 7:24 pm
Eight sheets of the stuff I use at home. Fifty-seven sheets of the stuff that tries to pass as TP where I work. I did NOT need to see those pictures.
January 22nd, 2008 at 8:42 pm
Well, the work part I have to agree with. I mean, in most cases you’re not paying for it anyway - at least directly - so yeah, go with maximum protection. I’m with you. I was focusing on home usage where I hope it is safe to assume it is cleaned regularly.
Plus, wadding seems to use less paper than folding, so I guess I can see the point of the extra sheets. But I’m tellin’ ya. Try to be a wadder and you just might see your TP usage effiency increase.
The pictures are disturbing no doubt. But ThinkBox P.I. will do what he has to do to get you the real story behind the story. LOL
January 22nd, 2008 at 9:30 pm
None of us needed to see those pictures, Kathy… And we all wish that we hadn’t.
January 22nd, 2008 at 11:32 pm
A monster has been created and I find great joy in hiding behind that costume and displaying my no shame genes.
I’m willing to bet that if you didn’t laugh or smile - inside you said something like “OMG, I can’t believe he did that!” and for some reason you couldn’t take your eyes away fast enough.
January 24th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
I just need a square….can you spare a square?!?
January 24th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
You know I can spare a square. I practice toilet paper usage efficiency. LOL
It’s these other rebels that use more than necessary so they have none to spare.
Thanks for stopping by. Great quote by the way!